There is a tendency, guilty or not, to focus on telling your child what they need to develop or work on. Sometimes we can be relentless to the point... our kids tuned us out a long time ago. At ages 11 and 12 your child can recognize to a fair degree what they can and can't do well. What they have trouble remembering, is that the things they currently do well, they couldn't do before. Children forget how difficult something was to master, once they master it. And we also forget. Often, we move right on to the next thing we think they need to develop. This isn't about our intention, it's about a new strategy to help them learn.
One strategy to help them learn and develop is to stop telling them directly what they need to work on. They know. If you ask them they can tell you. Help them figure out how to identify what they need to work on and encourage future success by pointing out what they have already accomplished. Here are the nuts and bolts.
1. Don't tell them they are great, good or skilled. It doesn't provide feedback. Those statements are too generic. Get specific and qualify it. Praise them with specific successes.
"Wow, those were some really nice checks you put out there. I remember when you weren't checking and now you figured out how to use it in a game. I really like seeing you use that skill. Good job."
"Three shots on goal. Way to get the puck on net. You worked really hard to get open and fire the puck at the goalie. It looks like you really know where to be on the ice."
2. Remind them of how they worked hard to master a skill and how they can now do it with relative ease. Ask them how they managed to learn it.
"I remember when you were getting really frustrated with your wrist shot because you couldn't lift it. I don't know if you remember that but do you realize what you can do with the puck now? Now you actually pick out corners and fire the puck where you want. How hard was that to learn?"
"Nice stop. You had stopping to the right down but now I notice you stop to the left just as easily. When did you start doing that? It seems like you can stop on a dime in either direction."
3. By using 1 and 2 you start a positive conversation. Don't mess it up with the old, "you do this well BUT...."
"You really picked up your speed and it shows. Nice job but you need to work on controlling the puck."
"I like the way you move to your position but you have to get there a little faster."
There is nothing wrong with these statement but your child is only going to hear the BUT. The strategy is to use 1 and 2 to really start a conversation. Don't be a but dad or but mom... as my kids say.
4. There is no rush to get to what you feel like your child needs to work on. The operative word is you. Let them get to it. Let them identify what they feel they need to work on. It may take a few conversations. Sustain the conversation.
"Do you feel like you're playing the game differently using the skills you worked hard to develop. How has that checking help your game?"
"It took you about a year to master your wrist shot. You worked hard and I remember you were mad you couldn't do it. Do you even realize how naturally you do it now? How has your game changed with your wrister?"
"You have been getting faster every month and your skating is improving. You stuck with lessons and really used what you were taught. How has the speed and skating changed your game? I am impressed with the changes."
5. This strategy isn't about NOT suggesting or never suggesting they look at what they can work on and practice. It is about NOT telling them what they need to work on. Simply put, ask them what they feel like they need to work on in practice. Trust me 99/100 kids know.
"You have done a great job learning new things. I can see it in your game. What else do you think you need to work on."
"What kind of things would you like to accomplish in practice this year. Anything I can help you with?"
It may seem like the long road to the same destination. This method takes you on a walk with your child which is probably more important in their life and your life anyway then the destination. Telling them what they need to do is different than helping them learn how to do it. At ages 11 and 12, their hearing changes. It's a little known fact but hearing becomes selective and distorted at 11 and 12. Yes, the Peanuts teacher syndrome.
6. Once they identify what to work on, encourage them by using their past successes. Remind them of their accomplishments.
"Okay speed. You're a good skater and I agree speed is good to work on. I know you can do that. You shoot like its automatic and you used to have a hard time doing that. Now you're working on new shots. I think your speed is going to pick up if you put your mind to it and work with your coaches and practice. Would you like me to take you to open ice? What do you think would help you?"
"Hmm. That's a good idea. Physical play is important. What part do you want to work on? Stick-lifts are a good way to back-check and get more physical. What do you think about that?"
In these two examples, you will notice the examples focus on speed and physical play. Most kids won't be specific. Like stating break-away speed or lateral speed. You can help them break down how to be more physical. Take what the give you and give them a place to focus.
This strategy doesn't mean you can't make suggestions or be part of the process. It is about using past success to encourage them to think about how they can continue to improve. Allowing them the time to identify goals for themselves is much more effective then having a mom, dad or both parents telling them what they need to do.
Good Luck!
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